The Tube People!

The wonders of the Underground. 

It's funny. Phil & I constantly board the tube often missing the first and second ones that come along because we simply can't bear the thought of breathing the fresh fruity air of another mans armpit and opt for the less volatile shoulder nudging.

Something we've come to notice though, is the different types of people, I'm not talking ethnicity, race or background. We mean the 'tube people'. So we'd thought we'd have a laugh in naming a few. Feel free to add any in the comments section.

Reading this - print it out, take it on the tube look around - each one of these people exists on nearly every single tube journey. I promise.

THE STARER, they shift from place to place pin point a target and inevitably end up staring at one spot for the whole of their journey.

THE WATCHER, these people seem infused by the actions of others, they seem overly fascinated by what other people are doing and pay attention with great interest - OK I am aware of the irony, we I fit it here.

THE OVER SHOULDER LOOKER, this type of person reads everything you read, and more, newspaper, magazine, leaflet, label, text message - literally anything! You'll notice them peering over the shoulder, round the pole or through the arms of others. You turn the page - close the phone - shut the book, and it would be as if they had never been interested in the first place.

THE DOZER, this person clearly hasn't had enough sleep, they are out cold for the journey - they can occasionally be seen to dribbling or leaning on the shoulders of others - but magically wake when their stop arrives. 

THE NODDER, not to be confused with the dozer, this person is never actually fully asleep, they are clearly tired but refused to fall to the land of nod. Ask a question the answer is usually yes, once they start to drift you'll see it - once in a blue moon a nodder will cross the boundaries into the dozer zone. Don't be fooled however, they will never admit they are falling asleep.

THE TAPPER, this ones kind of funny, no music, no rhythm, just a tap. Tap, tap, tappety tap tap. Irritating as hell. Unless you're the tapper it never seems that annoying.

THE RAVER, Earphones, Loud, Tinny Sounds - Occasional nodding of the head to acknowledge the beat, the tapper can often be found near by. 

THE STUMBLER, they'll never learn to hold on when the inertia of the train sets in, constantly caught off-guard by the sudden motion of the train. They realise it's happening but choose to do nothing about it - much to everyone else's amusement, stop after stop it will happen time and time again. A good source for a giggle.

THE UTTERLY CONFUSED, which stop am I at? If you're lucky they may ask you a question, unsure of what is the next stop even after having check the underground map a good half a dozen times in the last 10 secs, often seen peering out of the window looking for acknowledgments of the station name. Sometimes its too late and they evolve into the PANICKER.

THE PANICKER, a stage higher in the plains of worry than the utterly confused, they are no longer confused but seriously worried, oh crap, I've missed my stop it's the end of the world. I'll curl up into a ball and magic my worries away!

THE HEAD-BANGER, this person can always be found near the door, often mistaken for the stumbler, a jolt of the train can lead them bumping into others and results in receiving the darkest stare from the depth of hell. Often has issues with the closing of the door at the last minute and forgetting that the head is a necessity and is attached. Met by a loud 'donk' - and a profuse range of comments blaming the door for their inadequacies.   

THE PICKER, these splendid people can be seen picking their nose the whole journey - blow your damn nose! How much phelgm or bogies can you actually have up there! It's not a pretty sight. Somehow they think that they are invisible and shrug off any eye contact. They have been known to evolve into the Wiper or the Flicker. 

THE WIPER & THE FLICKER, a chronological development of the picker, just the next stage in the evolutionary ladder, when you pick bogies you have to dispose of them. WIpe or Flick, oh nice, thank you very much!

THE POSER, this person is an idiot. A 21st Century gift from God himself, the irony isn't lost though, they are constantly seem trying to check their whole appearance in the carriages windows, anyone who has been on a train will know this is a physical impossibility as the curvature of the window resembles that of 'Old Crazy's Magical Mirror Fun House'. If you're lucky they might blow you a kiss - a sight that must be truly treasured for it doesn't happen particularly often.

THE INTELLECT, this guy is a legend in his own right, found sharply dressed, often in a pin-stripe suit, accessories are vital - umbrella (even if it is not raining), briefcase, the financial times or a business supplement, the shiniest shoes & possibly a satchel. The only irony is that he rides the train and is not driven by a chauffeur. 

THE FRAUD INTELLECT, this one's pretty simple, he attempts to be everything that the intellect is, but he's not. He probably doesn't have the high flying job - or any interest in business and just wanders around London attempting to look like he has a purpose and has just met with a major client to settle a business deal. The plan is flawed though as he will remain on the same business page for the entirety of the journey or if you are lucky enough you will find his newspaper upside down with a copy of The Sun inside.

THE SHOUTER, intensely aggressive and hostile, often unidentifiable until the red mist descends over his eyes, he can then be seen expressing his feelings towards the picker, the raver or the tapper in a less than friendly way. DO NOT piss this guy off! It makes for a horrible journey - and you won't shut him up. High rate of embarrassment likely.

Feel free to add some more.

Mike.